god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
