Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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