They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
