You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Holy shit dude........stairs
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
