awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize