I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
