My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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