I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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