so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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