you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
