The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
