Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
