My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
