Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
