will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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