I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
