They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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