The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
