At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
