I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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