i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
