i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
