I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
