gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
NoShamevember. You game?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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