There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
