3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I want to be your penis for a week.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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