I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
