I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
