Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
