If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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