I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
