drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
