I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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