i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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