Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize