I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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