Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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