are you still at the devil's house?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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