I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
