my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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