good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
