I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
