Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
