She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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