you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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