You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Boobs speak an international language.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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