Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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