If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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