Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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