yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
