The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
