I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
