party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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