Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
