It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So. Much. Porn.
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