I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
