I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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