when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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