He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
