My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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