I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
