just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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