She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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