For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
MIDGETS
????
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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