I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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