i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
even my farts smell like vagina
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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